Brooding in Brokenness


Note: I always write from a place of candor on here, but some things I’m more reluctant to share than others because I’m afraid of what people will think. This is one of those times. BUT, the name of this blog is “For His Glory” and when I started it, God told me that everything I went through would be used to give Him glory, hence the title. So, I’m sharing this because God placed it on my heart, and I want to be obedient. I wouldn't want my selfishness to impact another young sister who needs to read this because I know I definitely needed to see this when I was younger (and now as well). It's a little embarrassing, but if you can look past me and see Christ, that's all I ask.

I live in my head a lot. A type 5 on the Enneagram with a 4 wing, my mind can go on for days. I’m also an avid book reader and a hopeless (hopeful?) romantic, so I can escape from reality to a far better scenario in my head fairly quickly. It’s a gift from God for creative writing so I’m thankful for it, but if left unchecked, it can also be a breeding ground for creating idols in my heart.

A little bit ago, someone close to me hurt me…really badly. The situation brought up a lot of unresolved issues and insecurities in my life including my self-worth and need to be loved. I was a wreck. Like I was in a full-on ugly cry on a park bench by myself at sunset like something out of a movie (it was bad). Also, like something out of a movie, in the midst of my tears, I had this image of a man sitting down beside me and asking me what was wrong. I would tell him. He would see how hurt and broken I was, and he would fix me. He would hold me and tell me he loves me, and somehow that would make everything okay. (I know, I know, I’m cringing right now too. But I’ve read a lot of teen romance books, cut a girl some slack.) I scoured through my phone for someone to call and tell about what happened; someone who could ease my pain…there was no one (my phone is dry y’all 😂). But then something my pastor always says popped into my head: If you call someone else before you call Jesus, that’s a problem. I felt convicted.

Look, I’m broken. Or rather, I was broken, but Christ is healing me. And I think maybe we’re all a little broken on the inside while Christ is doing His work. Mommy Issues, Daddy Issues, boyfriends, girlfriends, Exes, cousins, divorce, stepparents, abusive relationships, sexual abuse, harassment, bullies, the list goes on. Somebody has messed us up, and if you don’t relate to this, consider yourself blessed. The media today has a way of romanticizing brokenness. So many chick flicks star a girl whose been hurt by either circumstances or someone close to her. She’s broken and doesn’t know her worth until she meets that guy that loves her so well and essentially heals her heart. It’s not just movies, it’s TV, books, social media, songs (think “Let Me Love You” by Mario), etc. Brokenness is somehow attractive, and we've been taught that a woman just needs a man to love her in the right way and it will solve her underlying issues (or vice versa). It seems that a man/woman/friends/relationship/sex/alcohol/weed/etc. is the solution for pain. 

In the midst of my brooding, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I was looking for a Savior, not a man. The man that I conjured up in my imagination would listen to my problems and tell me he loves me, and somehow that would solve everything and make it alright. Newsflash: I already had a Savior who wanted to do just that! Jesus saw everything I was going through, He wanted to communicate with me, and He’s loved me before the foundation of the world. (Ephesians 1:4)

I don’t think I always grasp how much the Father loves me, and I know I won’t fully grasp it while I’m on this side of Heaven. God’s love is overwhelming towards us. I look at all the things He’s orchestrated to get me where I am today and I’m amazed. I’ve had too many “it was a God thing” moments to even count. 1 Peter 5:7 instructs us to cast our cares on God because He cares for us. God wants to be my first go-to with any problem I face, and He already has the solution! So many times we run to our family, friends, significant others, and even the internet with our problems before we go to God. I don’t know who your go-to person is, or what’s missing in your life where you need love, security, or affirmation but I want to remind you that God already sent us a Savior. Whatever hole you’re looking for other people to fill for you, He's already filled it! Place the Savior on His throne and let Him do His work.

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